No relationship is all roses and bloom "Dealing with hurt"

Two people in a relation­ship are bond to hurt each other. Some hurts are com­mitted out of lack of respect for the other person’s feeling; that is very common especially where the love isn’t mutual. In that situ­ation it is intentional. On the oth­er hand, when you hurt someone’s feeling without meaning to do so it is unintentional. It is easy to tell one from the other. If a per­son hurts you deliberately, be­cause he or she cares less about your feelings, it’s hard for the per­son to apologise or show any re­morse. But if the hurt is not inten­tional, the person will feel sorry for his or her action.

A relationship becomes hurt­ful when one of the parties doesn’t care about the feelings of the oth­er person and makes no effort to change his or her actions. Also, a relationship becomes hurtful when a party is selfish and self centered.
By being conscious of the fact that love is not hurtful but kind, patience, tolerant and so on and so forth, you will be able to avoid a hurtful marriage from court­ship. I’m talking about tell-tales signs on how to avoid a painful marriage. But it’s as if courtship has lost its essence because of the pressure to get married, which can sometimes be self-inflicted or pressure from family and so­ciety hence the high rate of sepa­ration and divorce.
In the last couple of days, we have seen how the social media have been awash with scandal­ous separation of superstar sing­er, Tiwa and her manager turned hubby, Teebillz. What is left of that marriage that took place in far away Dubai now is hurt and counter hurt. And still she needs to deal with the hurt because there is no point crying over spill milk.
Someone might say I’m being prejudiced against the man; may­be, maybe not but isn’t it obvious that when a relationship crashes, it is harder on the woman than the man in our society. Teebillz has three baby mamas yet he was able to win the love of a single woman like Tiwa. It is easy for the men to move on really because there are many ‘Edible Caterings’ willing to welcome him with open arms.
We’ve seen more female celeb­rities publicly deal with hurt from past relationship than their male counterpart. Before Tiwa’s messy separation, it was Toke Makinwa whose husband, Maje Ayida had hurt her by impregnating anoth­er woman but kudos to her for doing a good job of not telling-it-all according to some people and today she’s being used as a refer­ence point for other female ce­lebrity. Personally, I do not fault Tiwa for telling-it-all. Toke’s case, I must say, is totally different from Tiwa’s. Unlike Tiwa, Toke was not publicly trashed by her ex rather he even went ahead to apologized to her publicly. But Tiwa was em­barrassingly trashed by her hus­band so she has every right to tell-it-all because image is everything.
After Toke was Toyin Aim­akhu whose husband had con­fessed to have cheated on her and this caused a breakdown in their marriage. In dealing with her hurt perhaps, she went into another re­lationship shortly after her mar­riage with Niyi Johnson crashed and like they say the rest is his­tory. Today she doesn’t want to be associated with the same man she dated after her marriage end­ed. And so I’m not going to men­tion her ex-lover’s name. But you see, it is important to know how to deal with hurt else in trying to avoid feeling the hurt of a broken marriage or relationship, you rush into another relationship that will leave you feeling even worse than your previous marriage.
Like I said, there is no smoke without fire. The smoke you ig­nore during your courtship will later be the fire that will burn you in marriage. I have my utmost re­spect for Tiwa for admitting she made a mistake by marrying Tee­billz and went further to attest that it was pressure; fear that she might not be able to find a man to mar­ry her. In order words, a hurtful relationship is avoidable. Hav­ing said that, what you mustn’t do when you do feel hurt is you must not rush into another re­lationship. Almost always the result is counterproductive be­cause you are still venerable and most likely make the wrong de­cision.
After a hurtful relationship, allow yourself to deal with the hurt. If the person in question is sorry and apologies, you may want to think it through but first give the person some space and an opportunity to appreciate you. If you are convinced of the re­morse shown by him or her, you might want to forgive that per­son and return. But allow your­self to deal with the hurt. But if you are convinced that the rela­tionship is not worth saving then move on.
The end of a relationship is not the end of one’s life. Be ma­tured enough to let go rather than trying to revenge that hurt. Case study is what Teebillz did by opening up canned worms instead of an amicable separa­tion by the two of them. That is not a good way to deal with hurt. Just because a relationship or marriage ends doesn’t mean your whole life is ended. And so you shouldn’t try to pay evil for evil because it usually boomer­angs and when its does it almost irredeemable; reconciliation is a far cry.
When dealing with hurt, al­low sometimes for healing be­fore agreeing to reconciliation if it is necessary. There is no doubt that your friends and family will try to fight for your relationship, but don’t be pressured to go back if you are not happy in the mar­riage because it is only a mat­ter of time before it completely blows up neither allow yourself to be blackmailed, into remain­ing in a relationship that brings you nothing but pain.
Dealing with hurt, you need to imbibe a lot of self-love atti­tude. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all, says a popular song. Well, that is very true. A lot of people don’t love themselves so when they are be­ing rejected, it feels worse than death. Some can even become suicidal as a result of that. Ac­ceptance and rejection are part of life. Rejection doesn’t mean you are not desirable, it just means you are better off than the per­son rejecting you. It means that the other person does not de­serve you.